


Jaded Heart

by LuminousLake



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Amnesia!Hide, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Identity Issues, M/M, Oneshot, hidekane, kanehide - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-23
Updated: 2017-12-23
Packaged: 2019-02-18 20:12:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13107681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuminousLake/pseuds/LuminousLake
Summary: Hide doesn't recall his memories of Kaneki, but his heart remembers all.





	Jaded Heart

**Author's Note:**

> I never thought I would actually write this. Any mistakes are mine.

“Wait right here, okay? I’ll be back in a minute with our drinks.”

 

“…Okay…”

 

The blonde haired male watched as the other male with striking white hair left his side to complete his task. And once he disappeared inside the small café they were visiting did he let himself completely relax. Staring up at the cloudless blue sky, he sighed and rubbed his forehead in frustration. What exactly was his life right now? Straightening back up, he looked around the area before finding a weather-worn bench to sit down on while he waited for his companion to return. Afterwards, he let his chocolate brown eyes wander from person to person, store to store. Hoping against hope to get that spark of recognition from something, anything. But just like all the other times, his memory remained a blank.

 

_‘Amnesia sure does suck,’_ the blonde thought, slumping back against the bench. He sighed and let his fingers drum against his wooden seat as his eyes trained themselves on the door that the other male disappeared into. A frown appeared on his face as he thought about the chances of him escaping while his companion was occupied. The line he was standing in seemed a bit long. It might buy him a couple of minutes to get a good distance away before he became aware of his absence…no…that wouldn’t work. Even now he could feel those eyes on him, constantly looking back to make sure he was still there. And even if the white haired male wasn’t paying attention, he would always, always find him. That was something the blonde found out after a few days of meeting him.

 

Annoyance bubbled up inside him when he thought about that day. It was after the hospital released him, and allowed him to go to the apartment that apparently was his home even though it certainly didn’t feel like it anymore. He had been looking through…his things in hopes of jogging his broken memory when there came a knock on the door. Surprised to have a guest since no one had visited him in the hospital, he opened the door and came face-to-face with the person who was now his constant companion whether he liked it or not. He remembered staring into those grey eyes, those eyes that were filled with so many emotions before the air was almost crushed from his lungs from the powerful hug he received from the mysterious young man.

 

_‘Hide…’_ he had whispered breathlessly in his ear.

 

Hide. Or Hideyoshi Nagachika as the doctors called him when he first woke up in the blinding white hospital room. That was his name and apparently he must’ve been pretty close with the other male in order to have a nickname and lose his ability to breath. When he was finally allowed to push himself away he took a good look at the male with grey eyes and snowy white hair. His brain offered him nothing, but the feeling in his chest told him that he needed to know…

 

Bitterness…resentment…sorrow…

 

The pain in his chest had been so intense that he flung himself from the other’s arms and slammed the door in his face. It had been the first time since waking up that he felt anything from his past life. Whoever that man was, he had did a lot of damage to Hideyoshi…to _him_. Ever since then, the blonde wanted nothing to with the guy that caused his heart to ache, but no matter what he did or said, the man would remain close by. Either holding onto his hand, gripping the fabric of shirt, or placing a warm hand on the small of his back to lead him about whenever he set foot outside his door.

 

_‘How did Nagachika…I…even deal with this guy? Seriously.’_ Even after several months of recovery, the blonde still had trouble seeing himself as the man he once was. Despite the numerous stories his companion told him, the laughter and the smiles and the jokes that had once been apart of his personality, he couldn’t find it in himself to be that person. In fact, he wasn’t even sure someone like that could exist. And how could Hide…he…be that person when all he felt was pain whenever he was around the other male? Maybe once upon a time the pain wasn’t there, but something major must’ve happened between them. Would he ever remember?

 

“Hide, I’m back! Here’s your triple fudge iced latte with whipped cream!”

 

The blonde nodded his thanks and took the offered drink as the other man settled down on the bench next to him. His brown eyes took in the drink he was sure was going to be sugary sweet before glancing at his companion’s drink. Plain, black coffee. Like always. Honestly, did he ever drink anything else? The white haired male never offered up an explanation to why he liked his coffee black, just like he never offered to tell him his name.

 

“It’s not important.” The mysterious male had told him.

 

Taking a sip from his drink, he closed his eyes in bliss at the sweet flavor. At least his taste buds remained the same. Maybe this was how he stayed happy, all the sugar keeping him hyper.

 

“Are you enjoying your drink, Hide? You ordered this one a lot before.”

 

“It’s good,” he said simply.

 

“After this, do you want to take a walk around the park? Or maybe around campus?”

 

A shrug. “Sure.” Not like that would do him any good. If the previous walks to those places failed to trigger a memory, then he doubted anything would change this time around. But he allowed himself to be pulled up by the hand and lead away to their new destination.

 

**~*OoOoO*~**

The walk through the park had been a silent one as both men walked along the leaf covered path. Fall was setting in, but it was still pleasantly warm despite how late in the season it was. Brown eyes were glancing around the area as usual to see if anything looked familiar to him, but like always nothing jumped out at him. He was thankful that they avoided going to the college he used to attend because he couldn’t stand those looks of pity being thrown at him. It was bad enough when he was with his ever-present shadow.

 

_Does he remember anything, yet?_

_Why does he act so different than before?_

_Are you sure this is the real Hide Nagachika and not some doppelganger?_

Those were the whispers he could hear behind his back every time he went somewhere that his past-self used to frequent _._ And by now, he was sick of it. Sick of everything in his life right now. He slowed to a stop on the concrete path and stared up at the sky. He was tired, so very tired.

 

“Hide,” the other man questioned, stopping right along side him. “Is something the matter?”

 

Brown eyes stared at his white haired companion, taking in his entirety. This man’s very presence was putting a huge strain on him. He was always there, always trying to help him in someway despite all the times he clearly didn’t want him to. Maybe part of the problem was that the blonde wasn’t being firm enough. Even with the negative emotions that rose in his chest whenever the other male showed up, there was another part of him that was actually happy to see him, that welcomed his everyday presence by his side.

 

Suffice to say, it was hard dealing with the warring emotions and he just wanted it all to end.

 

“I’m thinking about moving to a different ward,” he started off with a sigh, ignoring the shocked look on the other male’s face. “From the way things are looking, I may never get back my memories and being around people who want me to be the person I once was is making me feel uncomfortable. I’ve already started looking at apartments and jobs, so hopefully at the end of the month I’ll be ready to move out.”

 

“I…okay…if that’s what you really want,” the white haired male said, looking unsure. “I can help you look and then we can…”

 

“No! There is no ‘we’!” He felt a twinge of guilt for his sudden outburst, but this needed to be said. “Look, I appreciate everything you’ve done for me, but I need to be away from you too. I just want a clean break from everyone and everything. Maybe when I…Hide…gets his memory back, he’ll return to this ward. But I have to leave or else I’ll go crazy.”

 

Just as he suspected, the white haired male didn’t take his plan so well. “But Hide, how will you survive?! You’re still recovering and you’ll be all by yourself out there! Please, please reconsider…!”

 

A chuckle that was tinted with ever present bitterness in his heart spilled from his lips. “I may not have any memories from my past, but this heart of mine seems to know all about being lonely.” The stricken look on the other’s face should have given him some pleasure, but it didn’t.

 

“H-Hide…please…”

 

“Save it. You have no idea what’s it’s like being around you all the time! Part of me wants to slap you while the other part of me wants to…wants to…!” he growled in frustration, turning to walk away from the other man. “It…hurts to be around you. Plain and simple. So I’ve come to decision to protect Hide’s heart and try to move on. Hell, someone has to since you sure as hell weren’t.” There was silence after that, both men absorbing what had just been said until…

 

“…Then hit me,” the other male whispered brokenly, dropping to his knees in front of the blonde male and clutching the fabric of his pants. “Slap me, punch me, beat me black and blue! Do anything that will help you vent some of that anger, but…but please, don’t leave me! I won’t be able to bear it if we separated again!” He was sobbing now. “I never thought I was hurting you this much and if I could take it all back, I would. Please, Hide…”

 

The blonde fist was clenched into a ball as hot, wet tears were bleeding through his pant leg. Part of him wanted to do just that. Just wanted to inflict at least a little damage to the man that hurt him so much, but a much larger part of him couldn’t bear to see the weeping male in pain. Hide wouldn’t want that and neither did he.

 

_‘What **do** you want?’ _he asked himself, his past self. What was it that Hideyoshi Nagachika wanted that spurred such powerful emotions regarding the person that was his best friend? Bending down, he placed his hands on the other’s cheeks, brushing away the tears that continued to fall. Seeing that broken expression on his face made something twist in his heart. He took no enjoyment seeing this kind of pain. Besides, even if he and Hide Nagachika were the same person that sort of punishment wasn’t his to give.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered softly, leaning his forehead against the other male’s. “Please don’t cry. I can’t bear to see you cry.” Something deep within himself was welling up and now tears of his own were escaping his eyes. The urge to protect this man, to alleviate any pain he was feeling was overriding every negative emotion he ever felt when they reunited with each other. Deep inside, the blonde could tell that this was something Hide…no…something **_he_** wanted to do.

 

_Love…_

The word hit him so hard that he was surprised that it didn’t occur to him earlier. Now all of the rampaging emotions in his heart made sense. He loved this man. Loved him so much that not even forgotten memories could make the love ebb. For once in his life since he woke up, his past life and current life matched wavelengths. _‘I love this man,’_ the blonde thought before pressing his lips against the other male’s.

 

The kiss was chaste. A simple caress of lips before it deepened into something more. Those powerful arms wrapped around him once again and held him close as the kiss continued until the need for air separated them. Brown eyes flickered open and he could see a beautiful, happy, and relieved smile on the other’s face. It took his breath away, not just because of how wonderful it made him feel to see that smile, but because of that spark of recognition that went through him like a lightning bolt. Flickers of memories surrounding the man before him ran through his mind like an old picture show. He recalled bits and pieces of their childhood together, their good times and bad times, their friendship, but most importantly, he remembered a name.

 

“K-Kaneki…” Hide whispered, brown eyes dazed as his mind finally stopped whirling. If possible the smile on Kaneki’s face grew, tears of joy now running down his cheeks.

 

“Hide,” he breathed, pulling the blonde into another kiss.

 

There was still more to his past that Hide knew he had to rediscover, but for now, simply remembering the man he loved was enough.

 

**OWARI**

 


End file.
